The Summer Fling Turning Point

So this morning I’m waiting for an appraiser to come and assign a value to my apartment.  Depending on what he says, I will be able to then refinance to a loan with drastically lower payments.  This will allow me to either get a car or rent this fucker out so I can drag my ass out of exile. FINALLY.  But it is not at all a sure thing.

While we wait I will continue the saga of the summer romance that never wasn’t.  Ok, I’m at karaoke getting royally toasted with some friends.  Side note, this chick at the karaoke put on a song she wasn’t sure how to sing, so I bravely waded in with a mic to help her out…but I was so unsure that I made a few comments between choruses to the effect of “Wow, I’m not sure of the words here.”  She wasn’t singing at all by this time but took the opportunity to literally tell me to stop if I couldn’t take it seriously.  No on tells someone who’s nervous about singing to STOP.  Major breach of karaoke etiquette and it damn near ruined my fun.  Let that be a lesson to us all.

Ok.  I get a text from the summer fling that she really wants to hang out later and is that possible… And because I REALLY like hanging out with this girl I say yes.  This, by the way is the perfect opportunity to explain that this summer I chose on several occasions to ditch plans with friends in favor of spending secret time with the girl.  Of course almost every one of those occasions ended in her going home early or heading to some other engagement after an hour.  Which meant that I was left having tossed out a chance to solidify friendships for the meager crumbs of her time she was willing to give me.  She never did the same to see me.  Which saying it out loud now after the fact makes things fairly clear.  Isn’t hindsight amazing?

Blah blah, she gets dolled up and meets me and the birthday party friends at the rooftop bar of the Koreatown La Quinta.  She was stunning.  And friendly.  And I was WAAAAASTED but pulling it off.  I wish I could remember more about that conversation, but the important bit I took away was this:  She said something to the effect of, “At some point in the future I think we could have a great relationship.”  Have I mentioned that she had, over the course of this thing, done a LOT of that sort of thing?  There was the time she got royally jealous of me talking to other girls at a company party.  There was the nuzzling into my neck on a park bench before work.  ETC ETC.  So then she goes, “Lets go get something to eat!”

This was a big shock for me and a delightful surprise.  She had prefaced the night with the usual “I can only stay out for about 40 minutes” bullshit, but now she wanted to go get a late dinner with me.  Joy and sunshine things are turning around!  So we exit the bar, I apologize to the friends, and hit the street.  The street which is deserted.  Koreatown dies after a certain point, but never fear, this is Manhattan after all, so I begin to walk us toward Broadway saying something about the Odeon or something.  She stops me and says “Well I guess I’ll just go home now.”

Fuck.  Really.  A cab stops and I put her in, then decide to get in too.  I’m still not sure why I got in, but I was mad and upset.  She tells the cab driver where to go and reminds me I can’t come over to her place, to which I responded that I knew, I just wanted to get to the same neighborhood to hook back up with the birthday friends (they were heading down there too).  The rest of the cab ride I couldn’t bring myself to talk to her or look at her.  I was clearrrrrrly upset and she tried to ask me why, etc.  Her response was that I had known she needed to head home early so what was the problem?  Well, no shit… but that was BEFORE the conversation about ending up together and the “I’m dying to eat let’s go” bullshit!!!

Anyway, my getting mad in that cab was the end of us, in effect.  We saw each other one-on-one a few more times alone, but never did anything physical.  She moved into a new apartment and I came over, but by then something had seriously shifted.  She carried herself as though she was afraid one false move would send me immediately and irrevocably into lovetown.  Which is to say she was mildly cold and distant.  I got on better with her roommate.  Unfortunately she has been unable to really talk about it to this day.  Beyond the one phrase I will never forget which she said on our last date, “I wanted to be able to just get dirty and fuck around with you, but that can never happen now.”

Thanks, bitch.  Thanks.  I really appreciate that.