Tales From Last Night Vol.1

Last night I went to a gathering at a bar – Sharlene’s – for a dude’s birthday, and some of the things I mentioned in past posts came true.  I thought it was interesting so lemme share:

Married Girls are Better Conversationalists:

I met two very delightful new women at the bar.  It was very confusing.  Woman number one seemed to clearly be a lesbian, pardon my essentializing.  She had boy pants on, masculine body language, gruff mannerisms, and really short hair.  She was also insanely gorgeous and a barrel of laughs.

Me: “Hey cool sweater”

Her: “Haha thanks, my friends told me I’d get a lot more boys to talk to me with this one than the sequined thing I was planning on wearing.”

Me: “Hilarious, generic quips about sequins versus holiday sweaters.” (wait, so she’s interested in boys? huh?)

Later that night we talk about her girlfriend (ok I see, she’s into girls?), she gives me some pussy-touching advice and some warnings about rashes one can get in hot tubs with lots of lesbians.  We talk about the sex dynamics of long term relationships and at one point she says,

“Once I decided I liked girls, boys enjoyed my company a shitload more. It was like I had relaxed and could be myself.”

BINGO. HIE gets another point in the “blogging nuggets of conventional wisdom” game.  I won’t even go into the rest of the mixed messages she sent involving all the sex she implied that her new indifference got her (with dudes).  Confusing.

Married Woman Episode #34

So obviously I moved on to greener pastures because the night was getting on and I wanted to at least fool around with someone.  It’s been FOREVER.  Enter Weird Name Girl.  Also very relaxed, engaging conversation.  we’re laughing and chatting and when I go to the bathroom she makes sure I know she’ll be there waiting to continue when I get back (this is a thing in bars.  you leave a convo for even a second and you generally have lost the game.)

She’s new in town and crashing on couches until she gets a place, where she will be living until May.  Weird.  But also implies being single right?  And maybe even into the idea of a real bed with a guy in it for one night

WNG: “So I’ve noticed a weird development in the last 2 years in the type of guy I’m attracted to.”

Which is?

WNG: “I think I’m into ugly guys.”

Well I guess that’s a thing.  Like, but do you think of them as ugly also?

WNG: “No, I’ll point out a hot guy to a friend and she’ll tell me he’s ugly.”

Weird, but whatever turns you on, I guess.

WNG: “I mean, I’m married so it’s sort of academic. But that’s a weird situation.”


Friend: “Is it a greencard thing?”

WNG: “Yeah.”

That seemed to answer things for Friend, but huh? I don’t have any idea what the relationship dynamics are for this chick, and I tried very subtly and passively to tease out of her whether her marriage is a sham, or legit, or a mix, or “open” or something else dumb.  But I failed and ultimately left, and I got the impression she wanted me to stay.  All I got definitively was that she had been married for “way over 2 years.” Confusing and maddening.  BUT.  Proof once again that once you’re married, your conversation skills and general charm gets a huge bonus.  Everyone benefits because you are way more fun to hang out with.  Just maybe let a guy know you’re a lesbian in a committed relationship or in a 10 year convenience marriage up front, yeah?

Bonus: Sometimes creeps seem nice and vice versa?

Last recap of blog subjects recurring from the night:  So I did the fade-away on a girl.  She’s actually an interesting story but I’ll summarize here.  She saw me at a work party and “asked about” me so pointedly that some people tried to set us up, including Summer Fling Girl (while we were “involved,” no less).  I’m otherwise encumbered.  Many months later I see her at a bar party and we formally introduce.  Get drinks a couple weeks after that (you can sense there’s no urgency here), we make out tons, she lets her ladies (boobs, bro) out on the walk home.  Wild.  We date again, she lets the gals out on her roof this time and we do it.  We set up another date, but the already thin personality attraction is tough to cling to and I bail. Day of. 30 minutes AFTER our meeting time.  I’m a dick and a douche (in my defense the subways were to blame for the lateness and I was sick, or something).  So I fade away in shame and infamy (she’s still up to meet, she’s a sweetheart), and don’t really communicate.

Her coworker was at the bar last night, and he motions me over with one frantic finger of the fist clutching his vodka sour.  He’s got this “we’ve gotta talk, girlfriend” look on his face and I know he wants to gab about this chick.

“Dude, you know I work with Girl, right?”

I knew.

“Well, I’m just saying, she talks about her love life a lot.”

Ok, so she hates me.  Totally get it.

“Brooooo, she asked me about you before you guys hooked up…”

I know (you told her I would be an asshole, thanks short man Napoleon complex cock-blocker).

“..and I gotta say she thought you were nice, but now she thinks you’re an asshole.”

Yeah, that’s unfortunate how things work out.

“You should call her though…”

Ehhh, I don’t think I should.  It’s been so long and I was such a dick I don’t think it would be a good idea.

“… because you could definitely get with that. She’s down.” Greedy smile.

Uh, ha ha. I don’t like to keep fucking girls once it’s clear there’s no long term possibilities, and our personalities don’t match.  I was afraid she would get too attached and then…

“DUDE. Get over yourself, she’s not going to fall in love with you” (could have fooled me, dumbass) “she just wants to get some.  She’s a party girl.” Wink, more grinning.

Um, (vomit in mouth), uh. I don’t think that’s so true… did she say that?

“Well, no.  She thinks she wants a relationship, but I can tell she just wants to fuck.”

I have to use the bathroom.

And Scene


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