Ok, I just gushed out my day in an email and decided to just rip it off and paste it right here. So suck it, losers! (kidding. obvs):
“So guess what I did today. I “broke up” with an online date girl. I should paste some text from the email so you can rate my effort. Or some from her last email so you can see why it was inevitably going to end badly. I think this way I get to be a very small asshole and she gets to feel righteous for a week and then forget about it all. Wanna know what event precipitated this admittedly already-in-the-works dumping?
Ok, I’ll tell you! So we email each other while at work, right? yeah, so she asks me what I’m doing this (past) weekend. And, because I have a pretty full lineup, I tell her exactly what I’m doing. It was basically booked thurs and sat nights. So I suggest dinner either early and limited on sat or sunday (she has some sstuff going on friday and sat nights). She says, yes. I ask which she prefers. She says sunday and I say good, sunday. Then on friday she texts me something like have a good weekend and i text her on saturday that it’s gorgeous outside whoopeee. no response, which I’m personally a fan of, except I know it’s probably significant. So sunday comes and I have brunch with some friends and then i text her hey, are we having dinner? no response. So I email, hey, in case your phone is dead, are we having dinner? and then i call (i hate calling, but to be the one with the justice on his side i’ll do it) and leave a message: hey, i’m thinking you’re not into dinner, but i still am, let me know. so she calls back and it’s 7 by now, and i don’t answer. because it’s her turn to leave a damn message right?
Only she doesn’t. She doesn’t! I mean why the hell call in the first place?!?!?!?!?!?! Veeeery significant. So I reluctantly call back and she answers. She’s all on the offensive: “I am sort of used to actually communicating with the people I’m spending time with” or something like that, “So when I didn’t hear from you on the phone I assumed it was off…..” painful silence “So I ate already”
And I said oh it’s fine and then she began to launch into what seemed like a wind-up for a tirade against me (I’m sure about how I’m not sending clear signals or trying hard enough to keep her interested… I’ve gotten that before and it turns me WWWAAAYYY off), so I cut her off with some stuttered “it’s ok’s” and “you don’t have to explain’s” and she shuts up….
and then apologizes and says if i want some cold pizza i can come over. And I double down with, naw, it’s cool I have some leftovers i can eat. And then it’s awkward for a while and then we stumble through a reschedule. [and now that I’m writing all this i think i’m going to paste it word for word into my blog, along with this comment… and while I’m editorializing for my blog in an email to you, I will also point out that i think my ex knows the address to my blog, which sucks because i don’t want her to read about my exploits, such as they are, and get hurt]
And then I realize it’s time to end the thing. And then I also realize that I don’t have to be the perfect gentleman and always end things on the phone or in person. In fact, an email saves everyone the discomfort and has the added benefit of being more likely to happen sooner, you know? Like having to do it in person makes it SO MUCH EASIER to put off the messiness. So I composed a lovely email and sent it to her, making sure it would get there when she didn’t need to focus on work or whatnot because I can’t help being condescendingly sensitive.
GAAAASP. done. I hope you enjoyed reading that. but seriously it felt pretty self indulgent.”