So this thing (see the last entry if you’re confused) has had me all torn up and shiz inside, so I mentioned yesterday’s torturous phone call to my shrink this morning. She very successfully urged me to give thinking about this chick a break for a while. I somehow managed to carry that into the day and ended up having a fairly positive workday. But now I’m home and it’s story time.
So, actually… I don’t know if I’m up to a full continuation of the saga. Let me endeavor to summarize in a way that is both thorough and brief while managing to entertain at least a little… or maybe I’ll just go to sleep even EARLIER tonight.
Ok that’s actually what I did… ok not really. I got instant messaged on okcupid and sucked into a polite conversation about nothing in particular.
Here’s the continuation: The immediate events following our intense make-out session are hazy to me. But eventually she came to my super far from everything neighborhood and we eventually had sex. And then we had a ton of sex. And then we had sex at her apartment which set off a cascade of guilt behavior in her because HER ex hadn’t officially moved out yet (he was out of the state at the time though and we got nowhere near the bed…which seems to make it hotter somehow? whatevs). We shared more secrets and grew closer.
Eventually her life began to fill with other engagements. She had a wedding to attend out of state with a gaggle of friends who she shared with the ex who was also there. She never un-relationshipped him on facebook. She began to be busy every night. But she made time to hang out with me BEFORE her dinner plans, etc., every now and then. So I had to make do with 45 minutes here, and a quick 20 minutes before work there. By now we were only talking and hugging and holding hands. I invited her to a few things, most of which she passed on. A few times she accepted my invitations and we had a lot of fun together… But I started to get frustrated by the restricted visitation schedule. I mean what the hell, I’m supposed to be ok with crumbs after I’ve tasted the meal? Gross analogy, I know, but I mean it in a whole package sense.
From the beginning she would stop in the middle of nuzzling to tell me that she wasn’t ready for anything serious and make some other noises that indicated to me she was not in the market for a relationship that would be long-term. To be honest with “you,” I don’t think she ever really expressed how she thought shit should work out between us, but after her unavailability began to clearly upset me, she fell back on “I was very clear about what I wanted from the beginning.” Which to me implied that she had decided to have zero emotional attachment to our relationship. Which of course I intellectually agreed with, but seriously… come ON.
At this point in the retelling I’m beginning to feel really sorry for this girl. That of course was not my intention when I set out to get it all out here. But honestly, the only adult relationship she had for her entire adult life is over after 7 years. What the fuck did I think I was doing? I mean holy fucking hell. And she seemed to be asking me for a “friends with benefits” situation. The only problem was that the benefits part was rapidly drying up. And so was the friends part, as far as I was concerned. No one likes to be sidelined in early relationship forming stages, even if it’s just as friends. And I was being sidelined. And getting upset ( as I mentioned). Everything came to a head one night I’ll never forget (ok, I will probably forget it within 2 years). It was my friend’s birthday, and his wife had rented a karaoke room to have a suuuuper sweet party with a few friends. The girl had mentioned being able to hang out, but only for a half hour, to which I was proudly able to reply that I wasn’t actually able to see her at all, as I had friends and plans too thank you very much. But things changed.
I’ve got a serious itch to cut to the ending, but this unexpected turn in my feelings is promising. I think I’ll do the longer version and continue the story in part 3.