The Summer Fling Turning Point

So this morning I’m waiting for an appraiser to come and assign a value to my apartment.  Depending on what he says, I will be able to then refinance to a loan with drastically lower payments.  This will allow me to either get a car or rent this fucker out so I can drag my ass out of exile. FINALLY.  But it is not at all a sure thing.

While we wait I will continue the saga of the summer romance that never wasn’t.  Ok, I’m at karaoke getting royally toasted with some friends.  Side note, this chick at the karaoke put on a song she wasn’t sure how to sing, so I bravely waded in with a mic to help her out…but I was so unsure that I made a few comments between choruses to the effect of “Wow, I’m not sure of the words here.”  She wasn’t singing at all by this time but took the opportunity to literally tell me to stop if I couldn’t take it seriously.  No on tells someone who’s nervous about singing to STOP.  Major breach of karaoke etiquette and it damn near ruined my fun.  Let that be a lesson to us all.

Ok.  I get a text from the summer fling that she really wants to hang out later and is that possible… And because I REALLY like hanging out with this girl I say yes.  This, by the way is the perfect opportunity to explain that this summer I chose on several occasions to ditch plans with friends in favor of spending secret time with the girl.  Of course almost every one of those occasions ended in her going home early or heading to some other engagement after an hour.  Which meant that I was left having tossed out a chance to solidify friendships for the meager crumbs of her time she was willing to give me.  She never did the same to see me.  Which saying it out loud now after the fact makes things fairly clear.  Isn’t hindsight amazing?

Blah blah, she gets dolled up and meets me and the birthday party friends at the rooftop bar of the Koreatown La Quinta.  She was stunning.  And friendly.  And I was WAAAAASTED but pulling it off.  I wish I could remember more about that conversation, but the important bit I took away was this:  She said something to the effect of, “At some point in the future I think we could have a great relationship.”  Have I mentioned that she had, over the course of this thing, done a LOT of that sort of thing?  There was the time she got royally jealous of me talking to other girls at a company party.  There was the nuzzling into my neck on a park bench before work.  ETC ETC.  So then she goes, “Lets go get something to eat!”

This was a big shock for me and a delightful surprise.  She had prefaced the night with the usual “I can only stay out for about 40 minutes” bullshit, but now she wanted to go get a late dinner with me.  Joy and sunshine things are turning around!  So we exit the bar, I apologize to the friends, and hit the street.  The street which is deserted.  Koreatown dies after a certain point, but never fear, this is Manhattan after all, so I begin to walk us toward Broadway saying something about the Odeon or something.  She stops me and says “Well I guess I’ll just go home now.”

Fuck.  Really.  A cab stops and I put her in, then decide to get in too.  I’m still not sure why I got in, but I was mad and upset.  She tells the cab driver where to go and reminds me I can’t come over to her place, to which I responded that I knew, I just wanted to get to the same neighborhood to hook back up with the birthday friends (they were heading down there too).  The rest of the cab ride I couldn’t bring myself to talk to her or look at her.  I was clearrrrrrly upset and she tried to ask me why, etc.  Her response was that I had known she needed to head home early so what was the problem?  Well, no shit… but that was BEFORE the conversation about ending up together and the “I’m dying to eat let’s go” bullshit!!!

Anyway, my getting mad in that cab was the end of us, in effect.  We saw each other one-on-one a few more times alone, but never did anything physical.  She moved into a new apartment and I came over, but by then something had seriously shifted.  She carried herself as though she was afraid one false move would send me immediately and irrevocably into lovetown.  Which is to say she was mildly cold and distant.  I got on better with her roommate.  Unfortunately she has been unable to really talk about it to this day.  Beyond the one phrase I will never forget which she said on our last date, “I wanted to be able to just get dirty and fuck around with you, but that can never happen now.”

Thanks, bitch.  Thanks.  I really appreciate that.

The Summer Fling Part 2

So this thing (see the last entry if you’re confused) has had me all torn up and shiz inside, so I mentioned yesterday’s torturous phone call to my shrink this morning.   She very successfully urged me to give thinking about this chick a break for a while.  I somehow managed to carry that into the day and ended up having a fairly positive workday.  But now I’m home and it’s story time.

So, actually…  I don’t know if I’m up to a full continuation of the saga.  Let me endeavor to summarize in a way that is both thorough and brief while managing to entertain at least a little…  or maybe I’ll just go to sleep even EARLIER tonight.

Ok that’s actually what I did… ok not really.  I got instant messaged on okcupid and sucked into a polite conversation about nothing in particular.

Here’s the continuation:  The immediate events following our intense make-out session are hazy to me.  But eventually she came to my super far from everything neighborhood and we eventually had sex.  And then we had a ton of sex.  And then we had sex at her apartment which set off a cascade of guilt behavior in her because HER ex hadn’t officially moved out yet (he was out of the state at the time though and we got nowhere near the bed…which seems to make it hotter somehow? whatevs).  We shared more secrets and grew closer.

Eventually her life began to fill with other engagements.  She had a wedding to attend out of state with a gaggle of friends who she shared with the ex who was also there.  She never un-relationshipped him on facebook.  She began to be busy every night.  But she made time to hang out with me BEFORE her dinner plans, etc., every now and then.  So I had to make do with 45 minutes here, and a quick 20 minutes before work there.  By now we were only talking and hugging and holding hands.  I invited her to a few things, most of which she passed on.  A few times she accepted my invitations and we had a lot of fun together… But I started to get frustrated by the restricted visitation schedule.  I mean what the hell, I’m supposed to be ok with crumbs after I’ve tasted the meal?  Gross analogy, I know, but I mean it in a whole package sense.

From the beginning she would stop in the middle of nuzzling to tell me that she wasn’t ready for anything serious and make some other noises that indicated to me she was not in the market for a relationship that would be long-term.  To be honest with “you,” I don’t think she ever really expressed how she thought shit should work out between us, but after her unavailability began to clearly upset me, she fell back on “I was very clear about what I wanted from the beginning.”  Which to me implied that she had decided to have zero emotional attachment to our relationship.  Which of course I intellectually agreed with, but seriously… come ON.

At this point in the retelling I’m beginning to feel really sorry for this girl.  That of course was not my intention when I set out to get it all out here.  But honestly, the only adult relationship she had for her entire adult life is over after 7 years.  What the fuck did I think I was doing?  I mean holy fucking hell.  And she seemed to be asking me for a “friends with benefits” situation.  The only problem was that the benefits part was rapidly drying up.  And so was the friends part, as far as I was concerned.  No one likes to be sidelined in early relationship forming stages, even if it’s just as friends.  And I was being sidelined.  And getting upset ( as I mentioned).  Everything came to a head one night I’ll never forget (ok, I will probably forget it within 2 years).  It was my friend’s birthday, and his wife had rented a karaoke room to have a suuuuper sweet party with a few friends.  The girl had mentioned being able to hang out, but only for a half hour, to which I was proudly able to reply that I wasn’t actually able to see her at all, as I had friends and plans too thank you very much.  But things changed.

I’ve got a serious itch to cut to the ending, but this unexpected turn in my feelings is promising.  I think I’ll do the longer version and continue the story in part 3.