Thought I was Done

Well I thought for sure I was done with this thing…  I have a girlfriend, we live together, life is good, etc, etc…  But of course life inevitably turns to shitty and surprisingly this is just about the only outlet I have for talking through my feelings and crap.  I guess it’s a good thing I’ve laid off this blog for so long, though.

I find myself once again with a girl who seems to not be able to stand me half the time.  This time, as I mentioned, we live together, so it’s sort of worse (although when the last girl decided she hated my guts halfway through a saturday, it was usually too much of a hike for her to go back to her place, so she stayed and we smoldered and it was a lot like this).

A friendly acquaintance of mine has recently been put in charge of an advice column and I spend a lot of spare thought time mentally writing out hypothetical letters for her to answer in it.  They tend to go somewhere along the lines of: “I can’t hang out with both my girlfriend and my friends because at some point she always turns sour and begins to act shitty.  Are we doomed?”

Or: “I am catching myself looking at cute girls on the subway and out on the town and fantasizing about the possibility of a breezy cheerful relationship that isn’t so much ‘work’.  What can I do?”

Side note: Around about the time of my last entry on this site, I had decided that I was going to write memoirs, and that it would be a bad idea to spend all my juicy energy on pouring out my heart in this blog when I should have been pouring it out into a manuscript or something.  And then I decided that writing self-indulgent whining about everything that sucks was taking my focus in the wrong direction, and that I should be doing fiction instead of glorified journals.  Or maybe it was that first and the other last.  In any case I stopped writing altogether and realized I had managed to clamp down on my only emotional outlet.  So I’ve been a little bit like a pressure cooker ever since.  This entry is me letting the steam out before I explode.

Anyway, I’m having serious relationship problems, and I have zero perspective on whether I’m causing them or how bad they really are or what.  I’m considering seeing a shrink just so I can get a fucking opinion.  At this point it’s been so long since I’ve hung out with any friends that it would be severely lame to make this the topic of a conversation with any of them.  If I ever WERE to hang out with them.

In other news, I finally quit my job and got another, more exciting one.  Except I think I might hate the new job.  Once again I have no way of getting any perspective on my feelings or experiences here.  Other than my girlfriend’s warped impressions filtered through her own hatred for her job and unhappiness with her life (don’t get me wrong, she’s been very supportive to a point… she doesn’t like sitting through anything I have to say that takes me more than 10 minutes), I don’t have any way to talk to anyone about this that would give me any meaningful insight.

I bounce between thinking I’m just irrevocably burnt out in this line of work to thinking there’s a personality conflict with my new employers, to thinking the personality conflict is actually internal jitters and unrelated feelings of discontent (see above! heheh) that are manifesting themselves as unhappiness at work in order to insulate my romantic life from the truth.

In terms of the theme of this site, moving far away from the epicenter of hipness and excitement: the girlfriend believes that and acts like she’s nearing a point where living out here is going to drive her batshit crazy, so she’s been basically making me feel miserable about living so far out from the action.  As if it wasn’t hard enough.